Healing

Here I am again,
crying in secret;
remembering the day we first met. Unexplainable magnetism,
like two souls, realizing they're one.
I wish this memory could be undone.

I wish I could completely erase you.
Like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind,
I wish I could just delete you;
then maybe, just maybe,
I wouldn't have these sleepless nights, remembering our beauty,
and not our fights.

Remembering our laughter,
and not the nightmare there after.
Talking for hours on end,
how quickly you became my best friend.

I wish I could forget you,
then maybe, just maybe,
I wouldn't miss you;
the nostalgia of the first time I kissed you.

The rush of your touch,
and the beat of your heart.
Never did I think, we'd fall apart;
but here we are.

Miles away,
only in my dreams could I have stayed--
with you.
Only in my dreams I glance at my rings;
they're not gone.
Only in my dreams,
I can sing and dance to our favorite songs.
In my dreams you did no wrong.
The illusion of you in my dreams is for what I long.

I often catch myself daydreaming, remembering us.
All that we could have been,
and how hard I tried.
Most nights I turn down the lights,
and all I can do is cry.

Temporarily fall apart,
reminding myself I still have a heart;
and although it's broken,
it's still beating.

I didn't die.
I won't die from heartache.
This pen and paper is like meds for a headache;
soothing, healing.
Slowly peeling,
back the layers of hurt and sadness.
Finding my mind a new road map,
a new Atlas.

I left behind all our old photographs,
but it's not the paper ones that last.
It's the mental ones I can't omit,
the ones I can't forget.

As much as I hate to admit it,
everything reminds me of you.
The setting of the sun,
the rising of the moon,
the snow on the trees,
and the morning dew,
the smell of my coffee, when it's freshly brewed.

Will this ever get easier?
Why is it so effortless to remember the good,
but so hard to remember the bad,
the ugly,
the Misunderstood?

I have to forcibly remind myself,
of the nights I cried myself to sleep;
so stressed out I couldn't eat,
I couldn't think.
Yet these good times, like blood in my veins, run deep.
They flood my mind constantly,
throwing around forgiveness unconsciously.

What is wrong with me?
How could I miss such chaos?
Someone so selfish?
How could my memory be so selfless?
Forgetting my needs that were neglected, my desires that were rejected.
How could I miss this?
What is this?
None of this makes any sense.
Am I lacking common sense?
What's wrong with me?
How could I not see?
Am I in disbelief of how wrong you were for me?

Maybe looking back,
I don't miss you, rather you potential? Maybe our love was non existential?
I mean think about it,
was I ever really in love with you?
Or just the potential of you?
The potential of we?

Looking back,
Its clearer to see,
that was so selfish of me.
I should have loved you for you,
not through my rose colored view.
Now I'm left with these feelings I can't undo.

Stuck somewhere between guilt and blame. I want to escape this mental game.
The painful game of memory,
on continuous play;
but the player has no say.
Like a losing game of solitaire,
it feels like I'm the only player here.

I guess its time to shut off the game.
Im laying down the cards,
seeing things how they really are.
In all my vulnerability I'm deleting you,
finally forgetting you.
No more memories.
No more day dreaming.
I'm leaving.
Coming back to reality,
where there's no you and me.

Goodbye to potential you.
Goodbye to the love that we knew.
Hello to breakthrough
I'm ready to pursue.

This is my healing.